Heart and Shoulder
by Holly Gilmore
Summary: I'm powerless to change your world. I'm powerless to stop the hurt. But I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder. - Lit -- Complete --
1. Dark Cold Quiet

A/N: This is an AU fic. It's set just after Rory's turned 16 I guess. And she and Dean never met (he's not even in it).   
I gotta just say... this is based (pretty closely in places) on how I met and fell in love with my husband. So it's very personal, and means a lot to me.   
And therefore I would appreciate it if you were nice about things. lol.  
Constructive criticism, that's fine. Love the stuff. But if you don't have anything helpful or nice to say, then please don't bother. I don't condone the things I'm writing. I don't encourage them or think they are 'right'. But they happen, and did happen to me and I think you can write well if you write from personal experience.  


** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**January, 2000**  
  
"How many?" Lorelai asked.  
  
"I don't know." Rory wept.  
  
"How many?!" She said desperately, tears coming to her eyes.  
  
"I don't know, I didn't count." Rory said, sitting on her mothers bed and crying some more.  
  
"Stay here, I'm going to go call an ambulance." She said, pulling her jeans back on quickly.  
  
"No!" Rory cried, grabbing her arm to stop her leaving. "I don't want to go to the hospital."  
  
"I don't care, you're going." She demanded. "Now, calm down, and just… wait here."  
  
Rory did as I was told, after all, it was what she always did. Lorelai returned a few minutes later with a glass of water.  
  
"Here, they said to drink this and someone will be here soon." She sighed, sitting beside Rory and putting an arm around her.  
  
Her eyes felt swollen and sore from all the crying she had done that evening. Her cheeks, which had been damp moments before, were drying slowly. They felt tight.  
She rested her head on Lorelai's shoulder and cried some more until they heard the ambulance coming, and then they headed downstairs to meet it.  
  
Rory frowned. She watched the paramedic put the pulse monitor on her finger, and then he asked her mother some questions. She was still frowning at her finger when he addressed her.  
  
"Miss Gilmore?" He repeated gently.  
  
She looked up at him slowly, she felt dizzy.  
  
"How many pills did you take?" He asked.  
  
"I don't remember. A handful… two maybe." She said. Her lip trembled as more tears threatened to fall. She could still feel the pills in her mouth. The way they had stuck to her tongue. They were so chalky. She'd drank two full glasses of water with them. She swallowed them back until she thought she'd be sick if she swallowed anything else.  
  
"How long ago did you take them?" He asked.  
  
She wondered what it was like to be him. How difficult it must be to ask so many questions when you knew that the person you required answers from didn't want to talk.  
  
"About an hour ago." She said, her mouth and throat were dry, she licked her lips and swallowed but it didn't seem to make a difference.  
  
"And do you remember how many milligrams it said each tablet was?"  
  
"Um… 200 maybe?" She said, shaking her head gently. "I… I'm not sure." She looked down.  
  
"It was 200 milligrams. I have a bottle…" Lorelai dug around in her purse and pulled out a small bottle of Advil. "That's mine. They're not…" She stopped.  
  
She didn't know how to tell the paramedic that it wasn't the bottle of pills Rory had used. As if it made her a better mother, when she felt like the worst mother in the world at that moment.  
  
"Thanks." He said, smiling supportively at Lorelai and making some notes on a chart.  
  
They arrived at the hospital and Rory was taken into the ER in a wheelchair while Lorelai was asked to sign a few forms.  
  
They sat in a small quiet room for a few hours. The doctor had taken a blood sample to see how much of the painkiller was in her system, so they could figure out if she could fight it off naturally.  
  
While they waited, Rory and Lorelai talked more than they had for weeks. Rory had hit a low period just before Christmas, and it hadn't gotten any better. But Lorelai had no idea that it was so bad that Rory would even consider taking her own life. Let alone attempt to.  
  
They'd been at the hospital for about 3 hours when the doctor came back.  
  
"Well, we got the results of your blood tests back, and unfortunately, there's too much of the painkiller in your system for your body to fight it off naturally." He said.  
  
"So what does that mean?" Asked Lorelai, fearing the worst. "What… what do we do now?"  
  
"Well, we'll keep her in overnight, and we'll put her on some IV meds which should prevent the pills she took from doing any damage."  
  
Rory wasn't listening. She'd stopped listening after he said they were keeping her in.  
  
"How do you feel about needles?" He asked.  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Needles… are you afraid of them?" He smiled gently.  
  
She shook her head.  
  
She had been. She once screamed down the doctors office when she had to get a shot. But in the last few months she'd had several blood tests done. She was used to the needles, and she didn't even flinch any more.  
  
He nodded and smiled at Rory.  
  
When he picked up her hand, she frowned. That wasn't how they took blood. She was pretty sure of it.  
  
She expected it to hurt more when the IV needle went into the back of her hand. She didn't realize that was the needle he had been talking about. It was bigger than the needles they used to take blood. But it was over so quickly that she barely felt it.  
  
"We're going to take you up to the ward now… do you want a wheelchair?" He asked.  
  
"No. I can walk." She sighed, getting up slowly and following the designated nurse through the hospital. It was late, and early at the same time. Dark. Cold. Quiet.  
  
Rory looked down at the end of her hospital bed. Lorelai was sitting in a chair next to her. She was asleep. She was lucky.  
  
It was lonely. Rory lay there, wide awake. She tried to shut out the sounds of the various monitors and machines around the ward. It didn't work.  
  
She closed her eyes and started trying to listen to music in her head. It didn't stop her from feeling as alone as she did. So she imagined someone was standing beside her, holding her hand. She didn't know who it was. Just… someone. She could almost feel their hand around hers.  
  
She fell asleep.  



	2. Happy Anniversary, Rory

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**February 2000**  
  
  
Rory sat, playing with an elastic hair tie. She wasn't listening to Dr. Jones, who was talking about nothing just as much as he always seemed to.  
  
She looked up at him. She didn't know why she disliked him so much. Maybe it was because he had been the psychiatrist she'd had to see before they'd let her go home from the hospital. Or maybe it was because he didn't talk like a normal human being.  
  
He'd say things like "Paint a picture of how your week has been." When all he really needed to say was "So Rory, how was your week?"  
  
His first concern seemed to be getting her back to school. He seemed to think it wise to throw her back in at the deep end and see if she'd sink or swim.  
  
He didn't seem to grasp the idea that school, the pressure, the politics… it was all part of the reason she'd tried to take her own life. A small part, but it was still significant.  
  
She looked back down at her hair tie. _Doctor Jones, Jones, calling Doctor Jones. Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones wake up now._ She sang in her head. She hated the band, and she hated the song. But she couldn't help hearing it in her head when she was in his presence.  
  
Rory left his office an hour later. She felt drained. He'd done most of the talking. She sardonically thought that she was sure it was the point to the weekly boredom sessions.  
  
"How'd it go." Lorelai asked him.  
  
"Great, I think we made some real progress. Don't you?" He smiled at Rory.  
  
She smiled back and nodded. _Bite me._  
  
"Great!" Smiled Lorelai as she put an arm around Rory. "Thanks Dr. Jones, we'll see you next week." She said gratefully.  
  
Rory waited until he was gone.  
  
"No." She said, pushing the doors open and stepping out into the cold February air.  
  
"No?" Frowned Lorelai, following close behind. "No what?"  
  
"No, we won't see him next week. I am not going back in there again. It's like torture. Seriously mom. If I didn't feel depressed when I went in there, I sure do now. It's enough to make anyone wanna' throw themselves off of a bridge."  
  
Lorelai looked down at the thin layer of snow on the ground. Rory sighed, wishing she could take back the last part of her rant.  
  
"Ok, so… we'll find someone new." Said Lorelai softly. "I just want you better. Soon." She said, hugging her daughter.  
  


*****

  
  
Lorelai was true to her word. They went to a few different people. People who called themselves 'Mental Health Care Professionals'. Others who preferred 'Emotional Healers'. And a few who were 'Counselors'.  
  
Rory didn't connect with any of them. They either talked too much, or not enough. Some sat and stared at her in silence for the entire hour, as if they expected a breakthrough to happen at any second.  
  
But the last one, Jenny, wasn't like the others. She actually listened. She didn't seem to look down on Rory and treat her like 'Case Study #34'.  
Her office was full of trinkets and photo's. She had a strange alien clock made out of foam. All the others had potted plants and Psychology books.  
  
Jenny didn't analyze her. She treated their weekly sessions like a coffee break. They were just there to talk about anything Rory wanted.  
  
After 9 months of 'therapy', Rory felt ready to go it alone. Her last session with Jenny was scary for her. She felt odd as she left the office. It was like riding a bike for the first time without training wheels.  
  
The ride was smooth for a month or so afterwards. She was back in school full time, and she felt better.  
But as the anniversary of that day approached, she started to feel like she was losing her grip again. She kept hearing Dr. Jones' voice in her head, telling her that the majority of people who attempt suicide are more likely to do it again within a year of the first time, than they are for the rest of their lives.  
  
January 9th. 36 days away. Not quite a year. It was all she could think about.  
  
On New Years day, Rory paced outside the bathroom, waiting for her mother to get out of the shower. Tears gathered in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks as she thought about what she was going to say.  
  
"Hey babe." Lorelai smiled, as she came out of the bathroom with a towel around her.  
  
"Mom. I think I need to go back to see Jenny." She cried, feeling like a failure.  
  
"Ok… we'll make an appointment." Nodded Lorelai, hugging her daughter tightly. She was glad that this time, she had asked for help.  
  



	3. You Jump, I Jump

A/N: Just wanted to make a comment. One of the reviews said Rory was way out of character because she has her head on straight. Which I assume means they think she wouldn't ever attempt suicide. But this is based on personal experience, and from that experience I can say that I had my head on straight and I was mature and sensible. But I started to suffer from depression, which is a mental illness. It doesn't really care how old, sensible or smart you are. Just wanted to comment on that incase anyone else was wondering the same thing.

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**January 2001**  
  
  
Lorelai had left for work. Rory was slumped against the wall of the kitchen, just outside her bedroom.  
  
_I can't, I can't go back to school… I don't want to see any of them. I don't want to see anyone._ Rory thought. Her eyes were wide. She hugged her knees to her chest. _I don't want them to see me._  
  
She started gasping for breath. It scared her. She'd never felt like she was going to run out of oxygen before.  
  
She stood up and held onto the back of one of the chairs. _Breathe… Breathe…_  
  
She looked up. Her eyes went straight to the stairs.  
  
Rory looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She had her mother's eyes. Only her mother's eyes smiled a lot more than hers lately. She had sad eyes.  
  
She opened the cabinet door, looking at the bottles and boxes on the shelves. Lorelai had rid the house of anything that could actually be consumed and do damage. But after Rory had finished therapy, Lorelai had loosened up a bit. After a day of working with Michel, she needed Advil around.  
  
She reached out and lifted the bottle off of the shelf. She hadn't taken any kind of pills since that night. She'd refused anti-depressants. Mostly because she didn't want to rely on a pill to make her happy. She wanted to feel it naturally, and she was scared that she wouldn't ever be happy if she stopped taking them. But also because she still couldn't get the feel of the pills out of her mouth.  
  
She headed back down stairs with the bottle in her hand. She knew she needed to speak to someone. But she didn't feel like anyone understood, and Jenny couldn't see her for another 2 weeks.  
  
She sat in her room, and her eyes fell on her lap top.  
  
Rory stared at it for a minute, trying to pick one thought out of all of the ones rushing through her mind. She stood up and walked over to it, opening it and starting it up. She plugged the cord into the phone line and connected to the Internet.  
  
Yahoo! dumped her in advice chat room 9. She sat and watched other people talking for a while. Half of them weren't looking for advice, and some of them were making up stupid scenario's in which they might need advice. Her eyes wandered back to the Advil bottle she'd put next to the laptop.  
  
The IM that flashed up on the screen surprised her.  
  
**Jmariano**: Hi. You're quiet.  
  
She looked at it for a few minutes. Not knowing if she wanted to reply or not. She started typing.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I don't have much to say.  
  
She felt that she was lying, but this stranger hadn't done anything to warrant more.  
  
**Jmariano**: Wanna' talk?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Why? Do you wanna' listen?  
  
**Jmariano**: Try me.  
  
Rory looked back at the pills and sighed.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Ever get the feeling that no one understands?  
  
**Jmariano**: Constantly. You?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Everyday. From the minute I wake up, till the minute I go to bed. Not that I do much sleeping when I get there. So it's pretty much 24/7.  
  
**Jmariano**: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I prefer to go on first name terms. I'm Jess if it helps.  
  
She hesitated. Her name? What harm could it do…  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I'm Lorelai. But, everyone calls me Rory.  
  
**Jmariano**: Nice to meet you Rory. But, back to your problem. Why do you feel like no one understands?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I don't know. They're not me, I guess. My friends, my family… none of them know what I'm feeling.  
  
**Jmariano**: Tried telling them?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Yes. It's not something you can put into words.  
  
**Jmariano**: Can you… type it into words?  
  
Can I? She sighed and looked at the keyboard in front of her. Before she realized it, 10 minutes had passed.  
  
**Jmariano**: You can tell me. I'll listen.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I feel… scared. I don't want to be here anymore. I feel like everyone is laughing at me. When I go out, it's like they're all staring at me. I feel so alone, and I don't understand why. I just want it to be over.  
  
**Jmariano**: Over?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Yeah. As in 'bye bye world'.  
  
**Jmariano**: Oh.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Sorry.  
  
**Jmariano**: Don't be. I just couldn't think of anything appropriate to say.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Ever see Titanic?  
  
**Jmariano**: Once.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Remember that scene where Kate Winslet is standing on the end of the boat wanting to jump. That's how I feel.  
  
**Jmariano**: Standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull you back?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Sounds about right.  
  
**Jmariano**: Need a hand?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: What?  
  
**Jmariano**: To pull you back.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Yeah.  
  
**Jmariano**: I've got two.  
  
Rory smiled slightly.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: You don't know me.  
  
**Jmariano**: Well… Leo DiCaprio didn't know that Rose chick either, but he still helped her out.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I guess.  
  
She felt different some how. Like she finally had someone who might just understand.  
  
**Jmariano**: You jump, I jump.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Not the best idea.  
  
**Jmariano**: Does it hold you back?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I don't know. How would you know if I did 'jump'?  
  
**Jmariano**: Well, since you're now going to be e-mailing me daily, I think that when you stop e-mailing me for a week or so, then I might figure it out.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Who said I was e-mailing you daily?  
  
**Jmariano**: You wanted help. I'm helping. You jump, I jump.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I don't know if I can agree to that.  
  
**Jmariano**: No one's asking you to. My e-mail address is in my profile. Use it.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I will. Thank you.  
  
**Jmariano**: Talk to you later Rory.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Bye Jess.  
  
He was gone.  
  
She opened his profile and clicked on his e-mail address. A blank e-mail addressed to him came up.  
  
_Hey Jess,  
  
It's Rory. I just wanted to thank you for talking to me. It was really great of you, I don't feel any different, but I felt better talking to you. Sorry if I depressed you.  
  
Thanks again,  
Rory_  
  
She clicked to send it, and then shut down her laptop. She lay back on her bed, still staring at the bottle of pills across the room.  
  
She went over and picked them up, pouring a few into the palm of her hand and looking at them.  
Putting them back in the bottle, she returned them to their shelf in the bathroom cabinet and looked at herself in the mirror.  
  
_Not today anyway._ She smiled softly at herself and walked away.  
  



	4. From The Other Side

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

Jess opened his e-mail inbox and looked at the messages he'd received overnight. He sighed as it totaled 20.  
_Junk, junk, junk, porn ad, junk, junk, scam, junk, virus, junk._  
  
He smiled slightly when he saw the e-mail from Rory. The sound of glass breaking against the wall was a rude awakening.  
  
He looked in the direction the noise had come from. There was shouting in the next room.  
  
Jess finished reading Rory's e-mail and hit 'reply'. He thought for moment and then started typing.  
  
_Hey Rory,  
  
We both know I cannot just make things better for you. I just want to be there for you to talk to, scream at, cry to, anything. I wish that I could just tell you everything would be alright, but I know you couldn't believe that, even if it were true. Rory, everything will work out if you give it time. Please, please don't hurt yourself.  
  
Don't worry about depressing me. Talking to you yesterday didn't depress me at all. I WANT to hear your story, want to know you and want to help you in any way I can. This isn't something you dumped on me. This is something that helps me in a way. To learn about someone who has problems similar to mine. Just having a person to talk to about anything when you need it is...very powerful.  
  
If you want, we can keep sending messages. I would like that. They can be about anything at all. What ever is bothering you, anything.  
  
Always,  
Jess._  
  
He hit send and watched the status bar of the e-mail program, waiting until it was done.  
  
A door slammed. He sighed and got up, opening his bedroom door and scanning the living room. His mother sat in a chair with her head in her hands, crying.  
  
"What's going on?" He asked her.  
  
"He's gone." She said angrily. "He's an ass hole! He's never to set foot in this apartment again."  
  
"Ok then." Said Jess calmly. It was her 3rd live in boyfriend in as many months. He wasn't surprised to see him leave.  
  
He went back into his room, and lay on his bed. Ever since his dad had left, it'd been one boyfriend after the next. He couldn't keep up, and he really didn't feel like trying. It hadn't been much better when his father had been around. His parents were both as childish as each other. He'd had to do some pretty fast growing up to survive their constant warring. But at least it had been something constant in his life.  
  
Jess picked up the book next to his bed and opened it. He didn't need to look at the pages, he knew the book word for word. But he'd learnt from an early age that having his nose in a book seemed to make him invisible. No one bothered him. So he read, and read. And as luck would have it, he discovered that reading was something he enjoyed.  
  
He rested his head on his pillow and found himself thinking about Rory. Wondering what she was thinking about at that moment. Wondering if she liked to read too, or what kinds of music she enjoyed. He dropped the book on the bed beside him and closed his eyes, enjoying the silence but knowing that by the next week Liz would have another boyfriend to yell at.  
  
  



	5. When You Just Know

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

Rory used the sleeve of her sweater to wipe the tears from her eyes. She closed her bedroom door and rested against it.  
  
At some point that day, she'd lost control. And her first instinct was to e-mail Jess. So she did.  
  
_Jess,  
  
Everything's going wrong again. Things are just so...unsettled. I just wish I could get away, I mean, give me a place to go and I'm set, I could leave and never go back. I keep thinking about leaving, just getting on a bus…  
Why does it have to be like this?  
Please help me.  
  
Rory._  
  
She hit send and took a deep breath. It would be ok. He'd reply and she'd be ok.  
  
That's how it had been going for the last few weeks. She e-mailed him everyday, and he always replied. There had been times where she felt ok, and they had just talked about random things, nothing important. But when she needed to talk, he always managed to say the right thing.  
  
There was a knock on her door and Lorelai came in.  
  
"Hey, you didn't finish your dinner." She frowned, concerned.  
  
"I wasn't really hungry." Sighed Rory. It was true. She didn't have any appetite.  
  
"Well, I'll leave it in the fridge, you can heat it up later if you change your mind."  
  
"Thanks." Rory smiled gratefully.  
  
Lorelai hugged her tightly.  
  
"You know how much I love you, don't you?" She asked.  
  
"Of course I do." Said Rory, confused.  
  
"And I'm always here for you."  
  
"I know." Rory laughed gently.  
  
"Good."  
  
Lorelai pulled back slightly and kissed Rory on the cheek.  
  
"G'night Sweetie."  
  
"Night mom."  
  
Lorelai shut the door gently, as if Rory was already asleep and she didn't want to wake her. Rory wished it were true. She knew she was going to spend the night laying in bed awake. Thinking too much, spiraling downwards. She closed her eyes and tried to relax.  
  


*****

  
  
Jess tapped his fingers on the desk lightly, He had just finished reading Rory's last e-mail and he wanted to calm her down, without sounding like he was repeating anything he'd said the other times.  
  
_Rory,  
  
I hope you know that this isn't your fault. Bad things happen and you just have to do what you can to deal with it and move on... It's hard but possible.  
  
It's okay to not understand, some things can be changed. Others can't.  
I understand, I really do. I've been there, and I'm still getting over it. Keep talking to me. Talking is a good way to calm things down.  
  
Please don't run away Rory, It takes strength to fight back like you are doing now. I have seen too many people live and die on the streets. You don't want to end up there. I live in New York. I've seen hundreds of homeless people. The streets are a hard place to end up.  
  
Things will work out. That may not mean a lot now, but it's the truth.  
  
I'm here if you want to talk. Remember that. Maybe I can't offer advice that will change your world, but I am here for you...  
  
Always,  
Jess._  
  


*****

  
  
  
"How's she doing." Asked Luke, pouring two cups of coffee.  
  
Lorelai looked over at Rory. She was sitting in a seat by the window, staring out. She looked thoughtful. Not sad, but not happy either.  
  
"I honestly don't know. She's been doing better, I think. She seems happier some days. Others aren't so great." She sighed and Luke nodded.  
  
"Can I do anything? I mean… I'm not a shrink or anything… I'm not offering professional help…"  
  
Lorelai smiled gratefully and put her hand on his.  
  
"Thank You, Luke."  
  
He smiled back and nodded.  
  
"Any time, anything you need." He looked over at Rory. "Either of you."  
  
  
**March 2001**  
  
  
It had been almost two months since they had started talking, and they were getting to be really good friends.  
  
Rory was back in 'therapy'. It was definitely helping. Jenny was the only person in her life that knew about Jess. She didn't know how to explain it to anyone else.  
  
Rory sat down at her lap top and smiled, knowing there would be an e-mail from Jess. If she e-mailed him in the morning, he e-mailed back in the evening. If she e-mailed him in the evening, she always woke up to an e-mail from him the next morning.  
  
She opened the e-mail from him and frowned slightly as she read.  
  
_You didn't wake up this morning 'cos you didn't go to bed,  
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red,  
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off.  
You've been reading some old letters,  
You smile and think how much you've changed,  
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days.  
You pull back your curtains and the sun burns into your eyes,  
You watch a plane flying across the clear blue sky,  
This is the day your life will surely change,  
This is the day when things fall into place.  
  
Good Morning, Rory._  
  
  
She smiled widely. She'd been feeling something different the last few weeks. She'd been feeling more excited by the idea of receiving his e-mails. Before it was a need. She needed to hear from him, to stay sane. Now it was that, and more. It was a want. She wanted to hear from him.  
  
She leaned back in her chair, just looking at his e-mail.  
  



	6. Thoughts

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**Lorelai_Leigh**: Hey.  
  
**Jmariano**: Hi.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Thanks for coming on to chat.  
  
**Jmariano**: No problem. What was it you wanted to tell me, or shall I make with the small talk for a while?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: No, that's ok. I'll just… say it, I think.  
  
**Jmariano**: Ok.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: We've been talking for a few months now.  
  
**Jmariano**: I know. It doesn't feel like it's been that long. But I actually looked at my e-mail program today and we've managed to exchange 150 e-mails between us.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: That's a lot of e-mails!  
  
**Jmariano**: I know. I was kinda' shocked.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Anyway, we've been talking… a lot apparently. And…  
  
**Jmariano**: And…?  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I don't know how to say it.  
  
**Jmariano**: You just say it. It's me. There hasn't been much I can think of that either of us hasn't 'just said'.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Ok… here goes. I… think I may… possibly… be falling in love with you.  
  
Rory got up and ran over to her bed, burying her face in her pillow.  
  
"Ahhhh!" _What did I just do?? I think I just screwed up this whole thing, that's what!_  
  
Rory was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of an incoming IM. She slowly sat up and looked at the computer. He had replied, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to read it.  
  
**Jmariano**: It's ok.  
  
Jess looked at what he'd written and rolled his eyes. _That's the worst thing you have ever written!_ He thought. But he didn't know what else to write.  
  
Rory started to type a response, but when she looked up at the screen it was frozen.  
  
"No! No, no, no, no! Not now!" She said desperately, shaking her laptop, as if it would do any good.  
  
She restarted it. It seemed to take forever. She watched everything loading slowly. It was torture.  
  
When she got back, he was gone.  
  
She sighed and shut it down again. A tear ran down her cheek slowly as she decided that she'd lost him.  
  


*****

  
  
Jess waited for Rory to come back. She hadn't responded to his 'comment', and then her username disappeared from the online user list. He paced behind his desk, trying to think of what he wanted to say. When he got back to his computer, he had been booted out of the chat room.  
  
"No! Not now. Damnit, come on!" He yelled at his computer.  
  
She wasn't there when he finally got back into the chat room, and she didn't come back for the rest of the evening.  
  
It was midnight, and Jess was still pacing. He felt restless. He didn't know what to do with himself.  
  
He sat at the computer and opened a new e-mail.  
  
_Be honest._ He thought as he stared at the blank page on the screen in front of him.  
  
_Rory,  
  
I… wish that there was a simple, painless was to say how I feel about you. I love talking to you. I think about you all the time. I wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you, and I would do anything to keep you from being hurt.  
  
I am just afraid that if I say 'I love you', I'll be messing up your life. So… I have only said I love you as a friend. Not saying how I really feel is just as unfair to you, and hurts perhaps more.  
  
Rory… I am really lost. I do love you. That was why I was so calm when you said you thought you loved me. But you need to be with someone who is actually there with you. I can't be that for you.  
  
So where does that leave us? I hope we're still friends?  
  
Always,  
Jess._  
  
He hit send. He was honest, and that was all he could be. He shut down his computer  
  
Jess sat on his bed with his head in his hands.  
  


*****

  
  
The light coming through her bedroom window woke her up. Rory rolled over. She had only just managed to get to sleep and now it was time to get up. It didn't seem fair. She sighed into her pillow. Then she remembered the previous evening and groaned.  
  
She didn't know if it was worth checking her e-mail. She hoped for an e-mail from him, but at the same time she dreaded it. Dreaded not finding an e-mail that morning, or the next, or the next.  
  
And dreaded finding one that said goodbye, or said he didn't feel the same.  
  
She decided she may as well get it all over with, so she started up the laptop.  
  
He had e-mailed.  
  
She looked at the subject: **Thoughts.** It didn't give her much to go on.  
  
She read it slowly. And then she read it again. Part of her was giddy. He loved her too. But that didn't mean he wanted to be more than friends. He had said that he couldn't be what she needed.  
  
She disagreed. For the past 2 months he had been pretty much all she needed.  
  
The knock on her bedroom door distracted her.  
  
"Come in." She called.  
  
"Hey!" Lane smiled, sticking her head into the room.  
  
"Hey… I didn't expect to see you today."  
  
"Yeah. I just… hadn't seen you much lately. Thought I'd come by and see how you were." Said Lane, stepping into the room and closing the door.  
  
"I'm ok." Rory lied.  
  
"Really?"  
  
Rory looked down at her feet and then up at Lane. She could tell Lane. Lane would be rational and supportive.  
  
"No." She sighed finally, getting up and sitting on her bed.  
  
"Oh?" Lane said gently as she joined her.  
  
"I met someone." She said. A smile played on her lips for a second.  
  
"Really? Wow, who?" Asked Lane excitedly.  
  
"His name is Jess."  
  
"And…?"  
  
"And I met him 2 months ago."  
  
"Where?" Lane smiled.  
  
"Online." Rory said hesitantly.  
  
"Online? Like… the internet?" She frowned. "How does that work?"  
  
"Well, I needed to talk, he was there. We've been e-mailing daily. Pages and pages some times." She smiled softly thinking about it.  
  
"Cool." Said Lane, still a little confused.  
  
"I think… I mean I know… I'm falling for him."  
  
"Oh." Said Lane, cringing a little.  
  
"And he loves me too. I think. I mean… he says he does, but… he doesn't think he can be what I need because he's not here." She sighed, picking at her quilt.  
  
"Bummer. So… what are you going to do?"  
  
"I don't know." Rory said, a tear running down her cheek. "I don't know."  
  
Lane hugged her.  
  
  



	7. Things I'll Never Say

A/N: **Please Read -** I'm really sorry, I accidentally posted the wrong chapter as chapter 7. _**This**_ is chapter 7. So if you already read the wrong chapter 7, then you'll need to read this chapter too. Sorry.

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**May 2001**  
  
  
It had been almost another 2 months since they had both admitted how they felt about one another. They had decided to just stay friends. It wasn't an easy decision for either of them, but Rory couldn't force something on Jess that he didn't think was right, and they both knew it.  
  
Rory was still 'coping'. She felt that Jewel has said it perfectly when she said "You wake up to realize, your standard of living somehow got stuck on survive."  
  
She was still seeing Jenny, although it had gone from once a week to once every other week. She had her good days, and bad days. She never knew when the bad days would hit. They didn't give her any kind of notice, they just fell on her and she felt like she was drowning.  
  
It was one of those days.  
  
She felt like she was going to scream. She was all alone in the house, and she didn't know what to do. She looked down at her arms. The veins seemed to stand out for a moment.  
  
Rory ran her right thumb over her left wrist. She was mesmerized. By what, she wasn't sure.  
  
She clenched her fists. She had to do something. She couldn't just sit here, going insane. She rammed her fist against the nearest wall.  
  
There was a smashing noise, and she looked over her shoulder. One of her pictures had fallen off of the wall and broken.  
  
She sighed and got up to clean it up. Kneeling in front of it she started to pick up the bigger pieces of glass and put them in a pile to one side. When she picked up a smaller piece, she found herself staring at it. She sat, staring at it for a few minutes.  
  
She wasn't sure what she was really thinking. She wasn't sure why she was thinking what she was thinking.  
  
She pressed the edge of the piece of glass against the skin on her arm just above her wrist, and dragged it about 2 inches. She barely felt it. She lifted the glass away from her skin.  
  
Rory watched as it started to bleed. It wasn't a deep cut, but watching it bleed made her feel better. It was like she was letting out the pain she felt.  
  
She did it again. It felt just as good. A release of everything bad inside her.  
  
She finished clearing up the glass and threw it in the trash. Then she went up to the bathroom to wash her arm off. The cuts had stopped bleeding. And the guilt and shame started flowing.  
  
She sat on the bathroom floor and cried. She didn't understand what was happening to her.  
  


*****

  
  
Lorelai opened the front door and cringed as the plastic bags hanging from her arms swung at the wood and made thumping noises.  
  
"There go the eggs." She chuckled to herself, pulling her keys out of the lock sharply and kicking to door shut with her heel.  
  
Rory lay on the couch watching daytime TV in her bathrobe.  
  
"Hey Chica, how are the good folks of 'Port Charles' today?" Lorelai called as she stepped into the kitchen.  
  
"As screwed up and over dramatic as yesterday." Rory smiled faintly.  
  
She didn't know why she was watching it. Maybe it was because she wasn't really watching so much as enjoying having something to distract her. She didn't need to focus or think that much about it, but enough that she didn't really have room in her mind for anything else.  
  
Or maybe it was because it was amusing to watch people live out lives she considered a lot more sad and pathetic than her own. Her existence, compared to their fictional one, was perfect.  
  
"Anyone die today, or… find out they were under the influence of an evil manipulative vixen who had them trapped by a contract they simply couldn't get out of signing?" Lorelai smirked, making her way into the living room.  
  
"Not so far. But that new blonde chick got to wobble her bottom lip almost 5 times."   
  
"Wow, the writers must like her a lot." She laughed softly. "Scooch."   
  
Rory looked up at Lorelai who was stood by her feet at the other end of the couch, gesturing for her to move her legs out of the way. So she did, reluctantly.  
  
"How've you been feeling?" Lorelai asked seriously.  
  
Rory shrugged a little and shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"No words for it, huh?" She sighed, wishing Rory would open up more.  
  
"None that spring to mind. But if I think of one you'll be first to know." Rory said, forcing a smile for Lorelai's sake.  
  
Rory reached up and tucked some hair behind her ear. The sleeve of her bathrobe fell from her wrist to her elbow.  
  
Lorelai frowned and leaned forward.  
  
"What's that?" She asked.  
  
Rory looked up and quickly pulled her sleeve back down her arm.  
  
"Nothing." She replied as casually as she could. "Apricot scratched me."  
  
"Apricot?" Lorelai asked skeptically.  
  
Rory sat up and pulled herself off of the couch.  
  
"Yeah… I was just petting her and she flipped out." Rory said, surprised at how quickly she was coming up with her answers.  
  
"That cat is more docile than Cinnamon was. And it was only on a good day that you could tell Cinnamon was still alive." Lorelai stated.  
  
Rory picked up her cup from the coffee table and started walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Apricot wouldn't scratch you."  
  
"Well… she did." Rory insisted, placing her cup in the sink and closing her eyes as she felt Lorelai approaching from behind.  
  
"Rory look at me." Lorelai sighed gently. Rory didn't move. "Look at me." She said more forcefully.  
  
Rory turned around and faced Lorelai, avoiding eye contact. Lorelai grabbed her wrist firmly but gently and lifted her arm up, pushing her sleeve back.  
  
"What's this?" She asked, tears in her eyes.  
  
"Nothing." Rory murmured, fighting back tears of her own.  
  
"What the hell is it?" Lorelai shouted a lot hasher than she'd meant to.  
  
"Nothing!" Rory cried, pulling her arm back.  
  
"It doesn't look like nothing. It looks like cuts. It looks like lots of cuts!" Lorelai wept, as Rory began to walk away.  
  
"Well if that's what it looks like, that's what it must be." Rory snapped back, wiping her eyes.  
  
"You cut yourself?" Lorelai asked anxiously.  
  
Rory didn't answer.  
  
Lorelai's bottom lip trembled and she stormed out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Rory watched her, wondering what she was doing. Her curiosity got the better of her and she followed.  
  
She found Lorelai in the bathroom, throwing their razors and spare blades in the trash.  
  
"What are you doing?" Rory asked, frowning at her mothers frantic actions.  
  
"I'm stopping you from ever doing _ that_ again." She said, hastily wiping the tears that streamed down her cheeks.  
  
"I didn't use razors." Rory sighed, thinking her mother was going insane.  
  
"Then what did you use?" Lorelai asked, dropping the trash can on the floor. "Do I have to throw out all our knives too?"  
  
Rory looked away. If she had to, Lorelai would do it. She'd throw out ever sharp object she could and sand every sharp edge until the house was as blunt and smooth as she could make it.  
  
"Glass." Rory said quietly.  
  
"Glass? From where?" Lorelai asked in surprise.  
  
"A broken picture frame." Rory sighed.  
  
"You broke a picture frame so you could use the glass to … mutilate yourself?!" Lorelai wept. Rory flinched at the last word.  
  
"I didn't break it. It broke. And I didn't… I didn't mean to…" She choked out as she started crying again.  
  
Lorelai stared at her, wondering what had been going through her mind when she had taken the sharp edge of the glass to her soft skin.  
  
She walked past her and into her bedroom, pushing the door shut behind her. It hit the frame as if it had been blown by a strong gust of wind, but didn't close fully.  
  
Rory covered her face with her hands, sobbing as she sat down on the cold bathroom floor.  
  
Lorelai closed her eyes tightly, listening to her daughter crying across the hall. She wanted to go to her, to hold her and tell her it was ok. But it wasn't ok. It obviously wasn't ok!  
  
She felt a tear run down the side of her face and onto her pillow. She reached up and brushed it's trail away with her index finger, folding her arms over her chest and hugging herself.  
  
Why hadn't she seen it? Rory was her daughter, her best friend. Her reason to get up in the morning. Her reason to live. And her reason to live was in agony, and she hadn't even realized how deeply it ran.  
  
She opened her eyes and looked at the ceiling. Blank. She felt empty. She didn't understand how she could have missed it. Rory was her heart and soul and she was in some kind of pain that couldn't be fixed. She had tried to take her own life and now she was harming herself.  
  
Lorelai had seen it in movies and wondered why someone would do it. She heard them called 'battle scars' by people who had managed to pull their lives together in the end. Just something they'd gone through and fought past. The scars, evidence that they had come out victorious.   
  
Would Rory come out victorious? Or would her internal warring go too far?  
  
Lorelai's body shook with another sob at that thought. Her daughter was in conflict with herself, and she couldn't help her. What kind of mother was she? She'd always hoped she was a good mother. She took good care of Rory, provided for them both.  
  
Rory loved her, and she loved Rory more than anything. They had a bond like she'd never seen exist between a mother and daughter before. They were more than just mother and daughter, they were best friends.  
  
Had she been too much of a friend and not enough of a mother, or too much of a mother and not enough of a friend? She didn't know what Rory needed her to be right now. Friends, best friends, were supposed to share everything. But Rory couldn't share this with her.   
  
Was it because she was also her mother?  
  
Rory pushed the door to Lorelai's room open slowly and walked in.  
  
She looked at her mother, crying on the bed and it made her heart break. She climbed gently onto the bed beside her. Lorelai didn't look at her, but as Rory lay beside her, Lorelai's hand searched desperately for hers and upon finding it, grasped it tightly.  
  
"I wasn't trying to hurt myself." Rory said meekly.  
  
"What were you trying to do?" Lorelai asked, genuinely confused.  
  
"I'm not sure. I just wanted to let the pain out."  
  
"Like a pressure valve?" Lorelai nodded.  
  
"Something like that." She sighed.  
  
"How long…?"  
  
"Not long. A week or so." Rory said quietly, ashamed.  
  
"Planning on doing it again?"  
  
"I don't… plan… I didn't…"   
  
"I understand." Lorelai sniffed.  
  
Rory rolled over, snuggling up to Lorelai and hugging her tightly.  
  
"I love you, mom."  
  
Lorelai laughed softly through her tears. Her laughter turned into more sobs.  
  
"I love you too, babe." She said, squeezing Rory. "I can't lose you!"  
  
Rory closed her eyes tightly and tried to comfort Lorelai. The only comfort Lorelai wanted, Rory couldn't offer. She couldn't make Lorelai that single promise.  


A/N: Thank you to Julia for the idea of writing from Lorelai's POV.

  
  
  



	8. Journey Begins

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

"Hello wonderful." Jenny beamed at Rory.  
  
Rory smiled and looked up at the familiar voice. Jenny stood in front of her in the waiting room. Her hair was a different shade of brown this week. Darker. It made her skin seem darker too, more tanned. Which made her bright green eyes all the more striking.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Rory got up and Jenny placed her arm around her, guiding her down the hall towards her 'office'.  
  
"How've you been?" She asked, sounding almost eager to hear, as if Rory knew some juicy gossip.  
  
"Not too bad." Rory nodded as they stepped into the welcoming room.  
  
Jenny took her seat and Rory followed her example.  
  
"Your mom called me." Jenny admitted.  
  
"I thought she might." Rory said with a sad smile, looking down at her hands.  
  
"She said you were having some problems. That you'd been hurting yourself?" Jenny asked gently and Rory nodded.  
  
"I … I didn't mean to."   
  
"Was there any reason? Anything specific?"  
  
"No." Rory shook her head. "I was… having a bad day. Nothing unusual about that. I broke a picture frame by accident. And when I was clearing it up… It just happened." She sighed.  
  
Jenny just nodded.  
  
"I feel bad for doing it. But sometimes… things just get too much. And I just want to… let it out. You know? Like… when you shake a bottle of coke and the bubbles build up inside the bottle, and you have to unscrew the lid to let out the pressure."  
  
"And it overflows, and settles down like nothing ever happened." Jenny said, understanding.  
  
"Exactly." Rory nodded. "Only… Something did happen, and it wasn't as insignificant as some spilt soft drink." She laughed inwardly for a moment.  
  
They sat in silence for a while, comfortably.  
  
"So… How's Jess?" Jenny smiled softly, sensing that Rory had said all she could and would on the more serious topics for a while.  
  
A smile played on Rory's lips at the sound of his name.  
  
"He's fine." She said, happy to talk about him. "He 'discovered' a new band last week, he was practically giddy. Which is rare for him. It was like he'd discovered a whole other country and planted his little flag in it or something." She giggled and Jenny laughed.  
  
"Well, it's the little things that count." Smiled Jenny, noting how much Rory enjoyed talking about Jess.  
  
Ever since she first mentioned him it was obvious. She got a sparkle in her eyes. He was her favorite subject.  
Rory had refused antidepressants on several occasions. But Jenny didn't think there was any antidepressant that could match the effect Jess had on Rory.  
  


*****

  
"Lane, it's invasion of privacy!" Sighed Rory.  
  
"No it's not. If I can get it so can anyone else who wants to. It's not private." She said as she waited for the website to load.  
  
"I don't know why I let you talk me into this in the first place." Said Rory, sitting next to Lane at the computer.  
  
"Because I'm your best friend, and I know best." Lane looked at the lap top. "Dial up sucks. You need to get DSL." She said.  
  
The website loaded and Lane clicked on the 'People Search'.  
  
"Did I spell the last name right?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah." Sighed Rory.  
  
Lane hit the search button and waited.  
  
"J. Mariano." She smiled successfully as the address for the only 'J. Mariano' in New York sat in front of them.  
  
"It might not be him." Said Rory nervously.  
  
Lane rolled her eyes and hit the 'More Info' button next to his name.  
  
Rory swallowed hard when his full address, phone number, e-mail address and a map of the area he lived in came up.  
  
"Manhattan? Nice." Smiled Lane, as she looked at the map.  
  
"I can't do this. I think I'm going to be sick." Sighed Rory, her face was pale.  
  
"You can do this. You have to do this!" Said Lane.  
  
"It's stalking."  
  
"It's not stalking. It's a surprise visit. And it wouldn't be a surprise if you asked him for his address, would it?" Said Lane shaking her head. "No."  
  
"My mom will kill me." Said Rory, sitting on her bed.  
  
Lane sighed and sat beside her.  
  
"Seriously, Rory. If you don't do this… I don't think your mom will get a chance." She said, looking at Rory's arms.  
  
"Lane, I told you… it's nothing. I wasn't trying to…" Rory looked down. She hadn't even told Jess. She didn't know how.  
  
"Maybe not the first time, or the second…" Said Lane gently. "But what if next time…"  
  
"I said I wouldn't do it again."  
  
"I know."  
  
There was silence.  
  
"My mom is going to kill me." She said again.  
  
"So you'll do it?" Asked Lane.  
  
"I guess…"  
  
"Oh my god! This is huge!" Said Lane, getting up and going back to the computer.  
  
"Now what are you doing?" Smiled Rory.  
  
"Booking you a bus ticket." Giggled Lane.  
  
Rory flopped back on her bed and closed her eyes.  
  
She couldn't believe she was actually going to go and see him. She didn't even know what he looked like. He didn't know what she looked like. She shook her head.   



	9. I Know You By Heart

A/N: This is where it stops being based on real life events and starts being purely fictional.

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**June 2001**  
  
  
It was raining when the cab pulled up at his apartment building. She paid the driver and got out.  
  
She wasn't sure what she was going to say when he opened the door. She was still worried that she had the wrong address. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the crumpled piece of paper.  
  
When she started shivering, she realized it was still raining and she had been standing there looking at the outside of the building for so long that her hair and clothes were soaked.  
  
She walked up the steps and the door to the building opened.  
  
"Hey." Smiled a woman, holding the door open for her on her way out. "In or out?"  
  
"Oh, in. Thank you." Smiled Rory, as she ducked under the woman's arm and into the building.  
  
The door closed behind her. It was quiet except for the sound of loud music coming from somewhere above.  
There was a hall way to her right and a staircase to her left.  
  
She remembered him saying something about sneaking out down the fire escape sometimes and decided that meant his apartment wasn't on the ground floor, so she took the stairs.  
  
It was dark. Either the power was out or no one had bothered to turn the lights on.  
  
She flicked a switch at the top of the staircase. Nothing. She'd just have to find his apartment without light.  
  
She walked down the hall in front of her. The numbers got higher the further she went. She stopped at the end of the hall, looking at his apartment door. She couldn't bring herself to knock on it.  
  
She looked at her watch. It was late afternoon, and she had to go back early the next day. Every minute she spent hesitating was a minute wasted.  
  
She knocked and waited. Nothing. She knocked again. Nothing.  
  
Rory sighed. He wasn't there. She felt tears coming to her eyes.  
She rested her back against the wall next to the door and slid down, sitting on the floor.  
  


*****

  
  
Jess looked at the back of the CD case he was holding and smiled a little, then he put it back in the bag.  
  
He unlocked the door to the building and shut it behind him. He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. He cringed at how wet it still was. He took his jacket off and beat it against the doorframe. More drops of water hit the floor.  
  
As he approached the apartment he looked up and saw a figure sitting by the door.  
  
He rolled his eyes. Liz had probably lost her keys or given them to her new boyfriend. He hadn't seen her in a few days, so he assumed she was out with the next love of her life.  
  
Rory looked up when she heard footsteps. She wondered if it was him, and stood up.  
  
Jess realized it wasn't Liz. He finally reached the apartment.  
  
"Hey." He frowned, studying her face.  
  
"Hi." She smiled nervously.  
  
He tilted his head to the side and frowned.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
She blushed and looked down at her shoes.  
  
"Yeah." She smiled, looking back up at him. "How did you know?"  
  
He shrugged.  
  
"I don't know… I just…did."  
  
She nodded. He noticed that her clothes were wet.  
  
"Come on in." He said, unlocking the door and letting them both in.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Sorry about the mess. I've had the apartment to myself the last few days. I'm not one for housekeeping." He smiled, shutting the door.  
  
"That's ok. It looks like my mom's bedroom." She mused. "I'm used to mess."  
  
"Good." He said. "Can I… take your jacket or something?" He asked.  
  
"Um… ok." She slipped it off, and was amazed to see that her shirt was wet also. She thought it would have stopped at her jacket.  
  
He walked away and came back with a dry shirt.  
  
"Here. I would give you something of my moms, but I got a feeling you don't share the same taste in clothes." He smiled.  
  
She took the shirt.  
  
"Thanks. Is there somewhere I can…?"  
  
"Oh, sure. Sorry." He led her over to the bathroom.  
  
"Thanks." She smiled again, going in and shutting the door.  
  
He pulled his wet shirt off over his head and picked up a dry shirt from the stack of laundry on the couch.  
  
Rory came out of the bathroom just as he finished putting it on. She blushed and looked away.  
  
"Hey." He smiled. His shirt was way too big on her. "Great fit."  
  
"Yeah. And it's black. Everything goes with black." She said.  
  
"True." He nodded.  
  
They stood looking at each other, but neither of them spoke.  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. Beautiful Release

A/N: Lyrics featured are from the song 'Angel' by Sarah McLachlan.

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

"So… um… can I get you something to eat or drink?" He asked.  
  
"No, that's ok. I'm fine." She said.  
  
There was another silence.  
  
"I'm sorry to just show up like this." She said softly. "I… my friend Lane, she thought it'd be a good idea."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"It's ok. I don't mind. I'm a little surprised. But it's a nice surprise." He smiled at her and she blushed.  
  
He looked around the room and rolled his eyes at all the mess.  
  
"I don't want to sound…" He stopped to think and then gave up on finding a word that was right. "Do you want to go to my room? It's strangely a lot cleaner, and there are even places to sit." He said with a fake look of shock on his face.  
  
"Sitting is good." She smiled, following him over to his room.  
  
"Uh… here." He grabbed some clothes from the end of his bed and put them in a hamper in the corner.  
  
"Thanks." She smiled, sitting in the space he'd made for her.  
  
They looked at each other for a moment.  
  
"So, you're here." He smiled.  
  
"Yep, looks like it." She said.  
  
"Any reason Lane thought that this would be a good idea?" He frowned slightly.  
  
Rory looked down at the sleeves of the shirt he'd given her. She wasn't quite sure how to show him what was underneath them. She ran her hand through her hair, it was still wet. She rolled her eyes.  
  
"There's just been… some stuff going on." She looked at him again. "Stuff I didn't know how to tell you about."  
  
He nodded, moving so he was facing her completely.  
  
"So… How does you coming here help, if you can't tell me?" He asked gently.  
  
"Because…" She followed his example, turning in her seat to face him.  
  
She rolled up her sleeves slowly, showing him her arms.  
  
"I can show you." She sighed quietly.  
  
He looked at her arms, and closed his eyes slowly. He looked away and then tried looking at her arms again.  
  
When he looked up at her face, she was crying. He didn't know what to say.  
  
"I wasn't trying to…" Rory wiped her eyes.  
  
"Then why did you do it?" He asked gently.  
  
"I don't know." She shook her head. "The first time, it was just… it just happened. It felt good at the time." She looked down, ashamed. "Then I felt horrible."  
  
He nodded, listening.  
  
"And then it happened again. And again." She said, crying more.  
  
He moved forward a bit and put his arms around her. She was a little shocked at first, but then she realized that it was what she'd been wanting for months, and she hugged him tightly.  
  
"I'm sorry." He sighed as they hugged.  
  
"Why?" She asked, pulling back to look at him.  
  
"I didn't do enough. I said I'd help you and I didn't. And… I made things worse for you at a time when you really didn't need things to get worse."  
  
"That's not true." She said honestly.  
  
"I'm still sorry." He said. She just hugged him.

He couldn't believe she was there, with him. 

They sat without words, just holding one another, knowing they understood each others pain. It was an amazingly peaceful feeling, and they clung to it, never wanting to lose it. They knew they would, in part. She would be leaving soon, he'd heard her mumble it into his shoulder a while back, but blocked the thought and the word 'leave', out, he never wanted her to leave. 

And part of her never would. 

Even though he had blocked the word out, the reality was weighing down his mind, and his eyes drifted back and forth from the clock radio by his bed, watching the digitalized numbers changing way too quickly and cursing it for being present and ushering the seconds, minutes, even hours by. 

She pulled away, and looked at him, her cheeks were tear stained. 

He wondered how this angel could have have felt so much pain and agony that she had come to the conclusion that the only way to free herself of it was to take her own life. 

Jess held on to her hands and looked again at her wrists. No matter how many times he looked at them, they still distressed him. He wondered how much pain she had felt. He ran his thumbs over the small scars lightly.

Rory looked up from her arms to find herself lost in that harmonious brown that had greeted her at the front door. He held that stare and she had to look away.

He felt so compassionate, his hands, his fingers as they ran back and forth over her arms. 

This person, sat in front of her, understood entirely. The torment of the endless feelings of despondency...everything. Just to know that he was there was sufficient for her to want to go on. 

_ In the arms of the angel,  
Fly away from here,  
From this dark cold hotel room,  
And the endlessness that you fear,  
You are pulled from the wreckage,  
Of your silent reverie,  
You're in the arms of the angel,  
May you find some comfort here._


	11. Nothing Heals Me Like You Do

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

It was still raining. A storm had started. Thunder, lightening, winds, and a power outage because of it all.  
  
Jess's room was dark. The rain hit hard on the windows, the sound had become relaxing.  
  
Rory had been there for almost 4 hours. It was 10pm. She and Jess were laying on his bed, just holding each other. He was asleep now.  
  
She couldn't remember when she'd last felt as safe as she did right then. It was comfortable, and she felt free of everything that had been plaguing her for over a year.  
  
She fell asleep in his arms.  
  


*****

  
  
Jess woke up at about 7am. He opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Rory, asleep. He smiled.  
  
Rory snuggled closer to him in her sleep. He just put his arms back around her and held her.  
  
She woke up slowly.  
  
"Where am I?" She frowned.  
  
"New York." He said.  
  
She smiled, remembering, and let her body relax again.  
  
"How long have I been asleep?"  
  
"Since last night." He smiled.  
  
"Really?" She asked happily.  
  
"Yeah, why?"  
  
"I haven't slept through the night for about a year and a half." She smiled, looking up at him.  
  
"Um… congratulations?" He said and she laughed gently.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"What time does your bus leave?" He asked, his smile fading.  
  
"9:45am." She sighed, sitting up. "I have to be at the bus station by 9:30 though."  
  
"Can you get a later bus?" He asked hopefully.  
  
"No. My mom doesn't know I'm here, remember? Well, she does now. Lane was going to tell her. But if I don't get home on time, she'll freak out."  
  
He nodded.  
  
"I want to stay." She said.  
  
He smiled at her and sat up. He wanted to kiss her. He'd wanted to kiss her since he first saw her. But after everything they'd been through, and all the hurt he felt he'd put her through, he couldn't confuse her all over again.  
  
"Jess?" She started timidly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
She stopped. She hadn't thought out the rest of what she wanted to say. She didn't even know what it was she wanted to say.  
  
"I…" She hesitated. "I love you." She looked away and closed her eyes. She hadn't prepared herself for what he might say.  
  
He looked at her, she was trying hard not to look at him, and he knew he had to say something in reply.  
  
"I love you too." He smiled softly, turning her head gently with his hand, so she was facing him again.  
  
"Really?" She asked quietly, smiling.  
  
"Yeah." He smiled back just as quietly.  
  
He still couldn't kiss her. He wasn't sure what was holding him back. Maybe he was doing it more for his sake than hers. She was leaving in just over an hour. And he didn't want her to go.  
  



	12. Curse Missed Opportunities

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

Rory and Jess sat on a bench at the bus station.  
  
"I'll e-mail you when I get home." She said, looking at the ground.  
  
"Good." He tried to smile, but he didn't feel there was much to smile about.  
  
They sat and watched people boarding buses. No one seemed to be having any trouble doing it. But Rory was pretty sure she was going to.  
  
"I…don't want to go." She said. He smiled slightly.  
  
"I don't want you to go."  
  
"I have to go." She sighed and his smile faded.  
  
"I know."  
  
He looked down at her hand and gently took it in his. She looked at him and smiled slightly.  
  
"It's strange. There are people in my life that I have known since I was little. And I don't know them as well as I know you."  
  
"Well, the amount of things we've told each other…" He said, thinking about all the e-mails they'd sent and received.  
  
"I know. You know things about me that I can't tell anyone else." She smiled slightly.  
  
Jess looked at her. He still wanted to kiss her. He didn't know how he'd managed not to when they'd said 'I love you' earlier.  
  
He heard them announce the her bus was going to depart in 5 minutes.  
  
"Come on, we should… at least make our way over to the bus." He sighed, standing up.  
  
She stood up and they started walking over to the bus. She thought she might cry. She'd felt so safe and she was worried that leaving him was going to ruin that feeling.  
  
"Jess… nothing's changed, has it?" She asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" He frowned. They stopped and faced each other.  
  
"I mean… what we said, it's no different from the last time is it?" She said.  
  
"Oh." He looked at the ground. He felt so guilty, he hadn't wanted to hurt her all over again, but it seemed he was anyway.  
  
"It's ok. I didn't expect anything to change."  
  
"Ok." He nodded. "It's not that I don't want anything to change." He sighed. "It's just that… I'm here and you're…"  
  
"Not." She said, nodding to show she understood.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be. It's not your fault. It's just… how it is." She said as she continued walking towards the bus.  
  
He watched her for a moment and then he followed.  
  
They stopped again when they reached the bus she needed to take. They stood to the side of the door so other people could get by.  
  
"So…" She sighed, looking down at the ground.  
  
"I guess… I'll talk to you soon?" He said and she nodded.  
  
Rory looked at him. She wasn't sure what had happened between them. She wasn't sure what she'd thought would happen between them. But she knew she was disappointed that nothing seemed to have changed.  
  
"Goodbye, Jess." She said, her expression was sad.  
  
He looked at her, he felt the way she looked. He moved forward, part of him was about to kiss her, but instead he hugged her. She hugged him back.  
  
"Bye Rory." He said softly, letting her go.  
  
Rory got on the bus and found a seat near the back. She leaned her head against the headrest and looked out of the window.  
  
She felt the urge to get off of the bus and stay with him longer. She was already feeling alone again. It was like everything was closing in on her. She started to cry.  
  
Jess watched the bus pull away. He couldn't believe he'd let her go with so much unsaid. But at the same time, he didn't know how he would have been able to say any of what he was feeling without hurting her or leaving them both more confused.  



	13. A Mother's Love

A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews, it really means a lot!

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

Lorelai sat at the bus stop in Stars Hollow, drinking coffee. The bus pulled up and she put the coffee down.  
  
"Hey." Said Rory as she stepped of off the bus.  
  
"Nice opener." Sighed Lorelai.  
  
"Mom… I'm sorry."  
  
"Good!" Lorelai snapped.  
  
"I didn't mean to worry you." Sighed Rory, looking at the floor.  
  
Lorelai laughed.  
  
"How did you think you could avoid it?" She asked, amused by Rory's last comment.  
  
"I don't know…"  
  
"You went to New York, alone, to see some guy you met online…" Said Lorelai. It sounded just as insane to her outloud as it had the last 1000 times she'd said it in her head.  
  
"I had to. I needed to see him." Rory tried to explain herself, but she really didn't have it in her to put in the effort.  
  
"Him? Him who? I don't know who 'him' is. Lane says you've known 'him' for months, but you never mentioned 'him' to me!" Said Lorelai, shaking her head.  
  
"Fine, what do you want to know?" Asked Rory, crying again.  
  
"Who is he, how old is he… I dunno, anything you'd expect me to want to know about any other guy you wanted to spend time with." Sighed Lorelai.  
  
"His name is Jess, he's 17. He lives in New York somewhere in or near Manhattan." Said Rory, walking away.  
  
"Ok, nice start. How did you meet him?" Asked Lorelai, catching up to her.  
  
"We met in a chat room. We talked. We've been talking everyday for months." Rory wiped her eyes as they walked.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"Because… I didn't want you to freak out and think he was some 30 year old weirdo trying to lure me into something dangerous." Stated Rory.  
  
Lorelai rolled her eyes and huffed.  
  
"I so wouldn't have thought…" She started.  
  
"Yes, yes you would. That's why you've been sitting at that bus stop since Lane told you where I was."  
  
"I haven't!" Protested Lorelai.  
  
"Oh, really? Then what did you do?" Asked Rory, intrigued.  
  
Lorelai hesitated. She didn't want to tell Rory the truth, but they seemed to be doing a lot of sharing that morning.  
  
"I drove… to the state line." She said, slightly embarrassed.  
  
"Just once?" Rory asked, not surprised.  
  
"Twice." Said Lorelai. "But hey, I have a right! You're my only child, and you'd gone off to meet some strange guy in some big city!" She said defensively.  
  
"He's not some strange guy. Not to me. I was safe."  
  
"You didn't know that though!" Sighed Lorelai, softening. "You couldn't have known that sweetie. Anything could have happened to you. He could have… He's older than you."  
  
"By a few months!" Said Rory.  
  
"Still… He's probably… more experienced than you."  
  
"Yeah, he is. But… what does that have to do with anything?" Sighed Rory, frustrated.  
  
"Well… he might have… tried something." Said Lorelai.  
  
"Oh god." Said Rory, closing her eyes and stopping.  
  
"It's true hun, you didn't know for sure that he wouldn't."  
  
"Yes I did." Said Rory. "I know he wouldn't have done anything because he loves me." She cried.  
  
"Rory…"  
  
"And I love him, mom."  
  
Lorelai was taken aback by the last thing her daughter said. Rory was in love, and she didn't even know. She stepped forward and hugged her. Rory seemed grateful and hugged her back tightly.  
  
"So… why the tears?" Asked Lorelai gently, pulling back to look at Rory's face.  
  
"Because… He lives there…and I live here. So… we have to stay friends."  
  
"Friend's isn't so bad."  
  
"No… it's not. But I don't want to just be his friend mom. I don't think of him as a friend anymore. But I still have to treat him like one."  
  
Lorelai hugged her again.  
  
  
**August 2001**  
  
  
Liz burst in through the apartment door.  
  
"Jess?" She called.  
  
Jess came out of his room and looked at his mother.  
  
"There you are." She said, dropping her purse and keys on the table.  
  
"Here I am?" He said. "You know where I am. Don't pretend you actually looked." He rolled his eyes and sat on the couch.  
  
"Don't smart mouth me! I've had enough of that from you lately." She demanded.  
  
"Wanna know what I've had enough of?" He sighed.  
  
"Not really, no." She said, standing in front of him with her arms folded.  
  
"Surprise, surprise." He muttered, picking up a book.  
  
Liz snatched the book away from him and threw it on the table.  
  
"Did you, or did you not try and buy beer from the 7/11 on the corner?" She said.  
  
He chuckled to himself and sat back on the couch a little.  
  
"What's so funny? This is serious, Jess."  
  
"I know. Seriously funny. You… acting like my mother. It's all very new and, might I add, very entertaining."  
  
"I told you stop with all that smart mouth crap." She said. "Now answer the question."  
  
"So what if I did? I'm just trying to keep up with you. Explore some of your interests. Bond with my mom. Is that a crime?" He said sarcastically, getting up and walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Don't think you're getting away with this." She said, following him.  
  
"Why are you suddenly so interested?" He asked.  
  
"You're my son!"  
  
"Since when?" He said, raising an eyebrow at her. "Since you got bored when Sam or Dave or… Mike or whoever, dumped you yesterday?"  
  
"Don't talk to me like that." She snapped. "I don't know what has happened to you over the last few months, but it's going to stop, right now."  
  
Jess looked at her and shook his head. She had no idea. The only time he felt like himself was when he was reading Rory's e-mails, or writing one to her. The rest of the time all he felt was torment.  
  
All he could see, think about and hear was her. It was driving him crazy.  
  
"It's not going to stop." He said defiantly. "Trust me, it's not stopping anytime soon."  
  
"Yes it is." She demanded.  
  
"You don't have a clue!" He yelled at her. "You come in here and spend 5 minutes lecturing me about one out of a million things I've done lately, and you expect that to be the end of it?"  
  
"I am your mother!"  
  
"Very convincing. Keep practicing." He sighed, walking away.  
  
"I give up." She said, throwing her hands in the air.  
  
"Wow." He looked at his watch. "7 minutes. Better luck next time."  
  
"There won't be a next time. I can't deal with this anymore."  
  
"Anymore?" He asked, amused.  
  
"I can't. I'm calling your uncle."  
  
Jess rolled his eyes.  
  
"Because he has so many kids, he'll know what to do?" He asked, thinking she'd gone insane.  
  
"No, but he might be able to knock some sense into that head of yours." She said, picking up the phone.  
  
"He won't come to New York, he hated it here last time he came."  
  
"He's not coming here. You're going to stay with him." She said, dialing.  
  
"What? No! You can't do that!" He shouted.  
  
"I can, and I am. I am your mother, and I will do as I see fit." She said, placing the phone to her ear.  
  
Jess shook his head in disbelief. He walked into his room and slammed the door behind him.  



	14. You Say Goodbye and I Say Hello

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

**Jmariano**: Hey.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Hi. You needed to talk…?  
  
**Jmariano**: Yeah. I've got some… bad news.  
  
Rory took a deep breath and started typing.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: How bad?  
  
**Jmariano**: I'm actually not sure. Could be pretty bad.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Ok… I'm prepared.  
  
Rory lied. She waited for his next message, wondering what the bad news was.  
  
**Jmariano**: You remember I told you that my mom is a psychopath?  
  
She smiled.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Yeah, I remember.  
  
**Jmariano**: Well, she had some kind of episode last week, and… she's sending me away.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Away? Away where?  
  
**Jmariano**: To stay with my uncle. And… I don't know if I'll be able to get online much anymore.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Oh.  
  
She felt tears coming to her eyes.  
  
**Jmariano**: I'm sorry. I really don't want to go. But I don't get much of a say in the matter.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I understand.  
  
She didn't.  
  
Neither of them sent a message for a few minutes.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: So… where does your uncle live?  
  
**Jmariano**: I'm not sure. Night Burrow, or… Sleepy Hollow or… something to do with night and holes I think. I wasn't really listening. It's just going to be some little town in the middle of nowhere.  
  
Rory frowned at his message for a few moments. As realization set in, her eyes slowly grew wide.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Stars Hollow?  
  
**Jmariano**: Probably… sounds right. Heard of it?  
  
Rory sat in disbelief.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Yeah, sounds vaguely familiar.  
  
She smiled. She didn't know why she didn't tell him she lived there. She was scared to get her hopes up.  
  
**Jmariano**: My uncle owns some little diner or something there. I saw pictures once. It's nothing impressive.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: So… when do you leave?  
  
**Jmariano**: Sometime in the next few days. I refused to pack, so my mom is doing it. Can't wait to get rid of me. No doubt she'll put me on a bus before she's done packing. That's how much she doesn't want me here right now.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Sorry.  
  
**Jmariano**: Me too. I promise I will e-mail you every chance I get.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: I know you will.  
  
**Jmariano**: Good. I'm not just abandoning you Rory.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: It's ok. I understand.  
  
**Jmariano**: I know you do. I… have to go.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: It's ok. I'll talk to you later.  
  
**Jmariano**: Yeah. Bye Rory.  
  
**Lorelai_Leigh**: Bye, Jess.  
  
He logged off. Rory screamed.  
  
"What, what, what!" Cried Lorelai, bursting in with a frying pan in her hand, ready to use it to defend herself against the attacker in Rory's bedroom.  
  
"Jess."  
  
"What… what did he do? You're not crying, it must be good…" Said Lorelai.  
  
"He's… moving here."  
  
"For you?" Lorelai frowned.  
  
"No. His mom is sending him to live with his uncle."  
  
"Uncle… Taylor? Andrew? Oooh, Uncle Jackson?" Grinned Lorelai. "Oh! Uncle Kirk?!" She said, almost giddy.  
  
"Nope. Uncle Luke." Smiled Rory.  
  
"Ahhh! You're kidding!"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Come on, grab your coat, we're going to go and tease him." Said Lorelai. She looked down at her frying pan. "Now I don't feel so bad about not getting to use this!"  
  
They hurried out of Rory's room, laughing.  



	15. If You Just Smile

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

"This is unbelievable! You won't ever change, will you? Now I'm working, we'll finish this later." Luke hung up the phone.  
  
"What's the matter? Grumble McMoody call and ask for his personality back?" Asked Lorelai, sitting at the counter.  
  
"I hear he's really mellowed since he loaned it to you." Said Rory, sitting beside her.  
  
Luke looked at Rory. She was smiling. He couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd seen her smile.  
  
"Come to shine your rays of sunshine on the hell that is my day I see." He said, trying not to smile at them.  
  
"Awww, Lukey, how can I make you smile? Want me to sing?" Grinned Lorelai.  
  
"I'll join in at the chorus." Chirped Rory.  
  
"You both hate me, don't you?" He smiled.  
  
"You're our coffee supplier. Of course we don't hate you." Smiled Rory.  
  
"Yeah, we looooove you." Said Lorelai. "Uncle Luke."  
  
He frowned at them, and narrowed his eyes at their innocent expressions.  
  
"Why did you call me that?" He asked.  
  
"Well, word has it that you're the proud Uncle of one 17 year old New Yorker." Said Lorelai, nodding her head.  
  
"And we'll be seeing him very soon." Added Rory.  
  
"Word… what word has it? Don't tell me Taylor finally flipped and bugged my phones!" Said Luke, picking his phone up and looking at it suspiciously.  
  
"We know something you don't know." Taunted Lorelai.  
  
"How? How do you know? I only just found out!" He said.  
  
"Well, we never told anyone this… But I am Coffee Woman, with the power of super hearing and a stomach as strong as the stomachs of 10 men!" Announced Lorelai, standing up and placing her hands on her hips triumphantly.  
  
"And I am Muffin Girl… Coffee Woman's bite size but powerful side kick!" Said Rory.  
  
"Together, we have vowed to rid the world of all it's coffee and muffins!" Smiled Lorelai.  
  
"And Pancakes and brownies and Chinese food." Added Rory.  
  
"And Pizza and waffles and burgers." Said Lorelai.  
  
"Ok, alright, I get it. You're both insane and hungry. Now sit down before you scare the customers away." He said, shaking his head.  
  
"Wanna' know how we really know?" Smiled Lorelai.  
  
"Honestly? I don't know." He said.  
  
"Fine, then you can wait to find out." She said, sticking her tongue out at him.  
  
The phone rang and Luke picked it up.  
  
"Hello? Liz… not now. No… we just finished discussing this. What do you mean tomorrow?! I don't have anything for him to sleep on! Liz?!" He hung up. "Damnit."  
  
"What? Bread delivery guy can't come to your slumber party?" Asked Lorelai.  
  
"No, my sister has just bought my nephew a bus ticket. He'll be here tomorrow. What does she think I'm running here? A Diner or a youth hostel?" He said, frustrated.  
  
"Luke, can I ask you a favor?" Smiled Rory.  
  
"Sure." He said, still happy to see her looking the way she used to.  
  
"When he arrives, can I meet him?"  
  
"Sure, you'll come over and I'll introduce you." He said. "Although from the sounds of it, he's not in the most joyful friendly mood." He sighed.  
  
"No, I think what my lovely bite sized side kick was asking, was can she meet him off of the bus?" Said Lorelai. Luke looked confused.  
  
"Alone." Added Rory.  
  
"Why?" He asked.  
  
"I just… would like to." Rory blushed.  
  
"Ok." Said Luke, shrugging.  
  
"Thanks. And… don't tell anyone, ok? Especially him." She smiled happily.  
  
"Couldn't if I wanted to." He said, still looking lost.  
  
"Now, Food!" Demanded Lorelai, banging her hand on the counter.  
  
Luke rolled his eyes and headed for the kitchen. Lorelai looked at Rory and smiled. She put her arm around her.  
  
"You and me, Muffin Girl."  
  
"Making the world a thinner place." Smiled Rory.  
  



	16. Against All Odds

** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**

As the bus entered Stars Hollow, Jess looked up from his book. He watched the residents of the small town going about their day. Miss Patty teaching Ballet. Jackson pushing some fruit crates down the street on a furniture dolly. The town troubadour standing by the gazebo, singing his heart out.  
  
He rolled his eyes and sighed, resting his forehead against the window. He couldn't believe he was stuck in Stars Hollow. And the worst part was the fact he might not get to contact Rory as often.  
  
He looked up when the driver announced the only stop in Stars Hollow. He considered just staying on the bus, but knew that he'd end up back there again sooner or later. He stood up and pulled his only bag off of the luggage rack above his seat.  
  
Other people started to get up and make their way to the front of the bus, so he reluctantly followed.  
  
The bus stopped.  
  
Rory got off of her seat on the bench by the bus stop. She stuck her hands in her pockets, then took them out and folded her arms across her chest.  
  
The doors opened.  
  
She ran her hand through her hair and looked around nervously.  
  
People started to disembark.  
  
She bit her lip and stuck her hands back in her pockets. Then she changed her mind and put them behind her back, clutching at one hand with the other.  
  
Jess was about to get off of the bus when he realized he'd left his book on his seat.  
  
The last person got off of the bus. The doors closed.  
  
Rory looked around, frowning. Luke had told her Jess would be on this bus. She'd memorized the time. Liz had called and told Luke that Jess was on this bus, she'd watched him get on at the station.  
  
The bus started to pull away.  
  
"Wait!" Called Jess, stuffing his book in his bag and hurrying to the front of the bus.  
  
"Sorry." The driver smiled, stopping and opening the doors again.  
  
Rory looked down the street at where the bus had stopped again.  
  
Jess stepped down off of the bus and looked around. Then he saw her. He put his bag on the sidewalk and looked at her.  
  
"Hey." He smiled, confused.  
  
"Hi." She smiled back, walking over to him.  
  
"What are you doing here?" He frowned.  
  
"Oh, I live here!" She said cheerfully.  
  
He looked at her. He couldn't believe what she'd just said.  
  
"Oh yeah?" He smiled at her.  
  
"Yeah." She said quietly, smiling more than she had in a long time.  
  
He reached up and ran his fingers into her hair, moving closer to her. He kissed her gently and she kissed him back. She put her arms around his neck and he moved his hands from her hair down to her waist slowly.  
  
The kiss was long, soft, passionate. Perfect. The whole world seemed to fade around them, things blurred into each other. Time stood still, while everything in that moment was spinning.  
  
They pulled back slightly, resting their foreheads against each other.  
  
"Rory?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I love you." He smiled.  
  
"I love you too." She said.  
  
They kissed again. And again. Each kiss was just as perfect as the one before it. They were getting looks from people passing by. But they were unaware of it all.  
  
The only wall standing between them had been broken down, and there was no space between them, physically, emotionally or spiritually, for another one to take it's place.  
  


**The End.**

A/N: This part:

"Oh yeah?" He smiled at her.  
  
"Yeah." She said quietly, smiling more than she had in a long time.  


Was ripped right out of Let The Games Begin (When Rory tells Jess she's glad he didn't smoke the cigarette).  
And here's the lyrics to the song the story is named after, for those who didn't know:   


_Heart and Shoulder - Heather Nova_

Wanna cry for you  
Would it do any good?  
If I rained for you,  
It would just be water.  
And the night's with you,  
And the storm's in your hand,  
And you're down, and you're down,  
And I can't lift you.  
  
I'm powerless to change your world.  
I'm powerless to stop the hurt.  
  
But I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
Over and over.  
  
Wanna run for you,  
Would it do any good?  
If I flew for you,  
You would still be standing.  
And it's hard watching,  
'Cos I'm part of you.  
And it's hard not to,  
Not to know what I can do.  
  
I'm powerless to change your world.  
I'm powerless to stop the hurt.  
I'm trying hard to be your tower of strength.  
I'm trying hard to bring you back to joy.  
  
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
  
When the night just cuts you through,  
And the dream is lost to you,  
When you're worried and confused,  
I will give my heart, give you my shoulder.  
  
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
Give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
Over and over.  
Time and again, give you my shoulder.  
I will give you my heart, give you my shoulder.  
I will, time and again, over and over.  
I'll give you my heart, give you my shoulder.


	17. Authors Note

For those of you that wanted a sequel, I've decided to post one. It's called **Till We Run Out Of Road**. It's not as angsty but I can tell you from experience that life with your soul mate just isn't angsty unless outside forces meddle. lol

I just want to thank all the reviewers of **Heart and Shoulder** for the support. There are so many of you that reviewed constantly and I'm so grateful. Especially to Julia (**jcd1013**), who gave me some new ideas for things to add. I hope one day I can write the way she does. 


End file.
